How can a dinosaur be a secret agent? Like someone shouting “impossible!”, it sounds impossible. But thanks to the power of spyence (spy science) one prehistoric paragon has the power to pull it off. His codename? Spynosaur!
Let’s face it though, it’s rare to find any job well suited to a dinosaur. Here are some of the worst:
Worst 5 Jobs for a Dinosaur
5. Waiter – It’s better to serve the diners than dine on the diners.
4. Blogger – Not-at-all popular prehistoric blogs include: “Dos and Don’ts of Dino-Dating”, “Evolve into a Style-O-Saur: Making Feathers work with Scales”, and “Life’s a Pain in the Asteroid: How to Survive Total Extinction”
3. Builder – The only reason dinosaurs didn’t live in houses was because T-Rex’s arms were two short to lay bricks. Fact.
2. Video Game Tester – Dinosaurs ruled the Earth for 175 million years, but never bothered to grow the opposable thumbs they needed to play Lego Star Wars. I mean, honestly.
1. Palaeontologist – You don’t want to be digging for dinosaur bones and stumble upon a close relative…
Scholars have often argued that the greatest problem facing humanity today is a lack of really good dinosaur films. But, as with the dinosaurs themselves, sometimes you have to look to the past…
Top 5 Dinosaur Films
5. ONE MILLION YEARS BC – Before computers made everything, dinosaurs were brought to cinematic life by some bloke moving a small, wire-framed dino-puppet a fraction of an inch, then taking a photograph, then repeating the process again and again and AGAIN until the animator went completely bonkers mad. Fortunately they occasionally ended up with a film like One Million Years BC. It’s got dinosaurs fighting cavemen fighting giant turtles fighting more dinosaurs. Yes, it’s old and ridiculous, but then so is your nan.
4. IN THE VALLEY OF GWANGI – “It’s cowboys vs dinosaurs!” must surely be the greatest one-sentence movie pitch in history. And they made the film! If you don’t want to watch In the Valley of Gwangi based on that pitch, I can’t help you.
3. FANTASIA – Everyone remembers the wizard Mickey Mouse bit of Fantasia, but the Rite of Spring section of Disney’s incredible animated “concert” film is glorious. There are dinosaurs galore and an epic Tyrannosaurus / Stegosaurus scrap. True, the dinos don’t meet the happiest end (spoiler alert, they all die – the film infers their extinction is down to a bit of a dry spell in the weather) but it’s still wonderful.
2. KING KONG – Three films – and plenty of dinosaurs – to choose from. I’m a sucker for the stop-motion-filled 1933 version. King Kong fighting the tyrannosaurus is still the most fun you can have with a gorilla and a dinosaur who don’t particularly get on. But if it’s sheer dino-numbers you’re after, go for the overblown 2005 film. It’s a literal greatest hits: Kong basically punches every dinosaur he meets … and there are loads. Or, if you’d rather see a man in a monkey-suit pretend to fight a rubber snake while unconvincingly wrapping it around himself, try the 1976 version! But don’t. Please don’t.
1. JURASSIC PARK – You could argue this film is only #1 ‘cause they’re aren’t many great dinosaur films, but, as Spynosaur’s arch enemy Ergo Ego would say, that would make you a stupid head. Jurassic Park changed how most people looked at dinosaurs – they were no longer lumbering great plodders who could do with a trip down the Jurassic gym; these dinosaurs were fast, agile, intelligent and had the best roars ever. Want to see a T-Rex chomping its victim while they sit on the toilet? This is the film for you! Jurassic Park is the best thing to happen to dinosaurs since … well, all the cool stuff that probably happened to them before that big old asteroid came along and ruined everything
SPYNOSAUR is secret agency Department 6’s not-so secret weapon. Created by mysterious science rays, Spynosaur has the mind of a super spy and the body of a dinosaur.
Dedicated to protecting the world from criminal masterminds, this prehistoric powerhouse dishes out justice and puns to a host of eccentric enemies. But when he and his sidekick daughter Amber are sent to rescue a captured fellow agent, they discover an old enemy is back back in business and planning to unleash a devastating secret weapon upon the world…